Who am I writing this for? Because this adventure has been so life-changing thus far, I have this urge to share everything with the whole internet. But at the same time, the longer I am here, the less I care about what other people think about the journey I am on. I am writing this blog for me. Estoy aqui para entender mi misma y mi vida. I want to look back on my process and see my growth. I want to remember what made me into the person I am. But I struggle. The ego is a very powerful entity. Lately, I have needed to remind myself what I am doing here and why I have started out on this journey. A part of me exists that wants to project to everyone on the internet, "See how good of an idea this was to just get up and leave everything?!", "I didn't run away from anything. I'm facing myself!", "See how awesome my life is?!", "Yay! Travel is so awesome and so moving!". The truth: yes, it is wonderful. But I am also struggling to just sit with myself and listen to what I need to actually change a lot of core beliefs about myself. I still feel lost a lot of the time and I feel anxiety about which decisions are the "right" decisions for me to be making for my future. As much as I'd like to be all zen and only live in the moment, I cannot help but think about my future. What the heck am I doing with my life? What am I going to make of myself? Do I have to make anything of myself? Will I ever find my purpose? Do I actually have a purpose?
Almost two months have passed since I left the United States. In some moments, it feels like I have been in Mexico for a really long time and in others, I feel like time has just flown by. Most of the general markers of time passing or punctuations in my life (weekend breaks from work, vacations, parties or concerts that I bought tickets for in advance, holiday gatherings) in the United States don't really exist for me here in Mexico. Much of my time has been spent meditating on my life and completely immersed in the present moment. My goal (which I am not always always successful in achieving) has been to completely sink into this process of healing myself, figure out what I want from life and to be completely vulnerable/open to grow into the person I've always wanted to be (the idea of which is changing a bit). I've never before in my entire life consistently practiced being present in the moment. I've never allowed myself this amount of peace and break from being self-critical. I've never been this unapologetically kind to myself. I am actually practicing radical self-love. A whole new world has opened up for me here.
Yet, paradoxically, I find myself terribly homesick. Which is a weird experience for me because, at the moment, I don't feel like the United States is my home. I feel a heart and soul connection with Mexico that has completely caught me by surprise. I keep telling myself that it is time to move on and travel to other places in Mexico or in Central America, but it's just not happening. Nothing is happening the way I expected it to. I know I need to stay here for now, but I am not quite sure how long that will be. I find myself constantly in this battle with myself to let go of expectations and just let things happen. When I do manage to get out of my own way, it's been a beautiful thing.
But, yes, homesickness. I miss all of my friends in the US and especially my twin sister back in Oakland. I miss the familiarity of my life in the US and all of the places I went to on a regular basis. I miss the coffee shop and health food store near my house. I miss the ease of finding healthy, organic food and clean water. I miss washing my face with warm water. I miss having warm water or even just water in general to wash with any time I wanted. What a luxurious life I had! I miss going to huge, clean parks. I miss the ease of communicating with people who speak the same language as me. I miss having a fully functioning kitchen. I miss sleeping through the night and not waking up to fireworks, loud music, loud animals, trucks that drive by screaming stuff over loud speakers, children banging on my front door to pick up my trash for tips or other loud noises. I miss being able to easily self-soothe when I was sick and not having stomach issues (I have digestive issues almost every week it seems due to all the harmful bacteria in the water here). I miss road trips. I guess I miss the feeling of things being predictable and not always feeling like I am going through some powerful, heavy shift in my being. I know its funny that I even dare complain about this because I am getting EXACTLY what I asked for. I realize that what I am doing is rare and that most would not even be able to dream of doing something like this. I know I am lucky. I am a grateful for this opportunity.
The truth is, I've always been too afraid to really show myself and talk about my vulnerabilities with most of the people I came into contact with in the US. I have also had a habit of abandoning myself in my relationships with people and focusing more on how I can take care of their needs rather than my own. Poor people I am in relationships with never even knew that I was building resentment around the ways I felt that they didn't care for me when I never explicitly let them know what I needed. I am learning now that I need to be very clear and unapologetic in setting expectations with my friends, family and anyone I am involved with. I am learning this slowly, but surely.
I have had things happen to me here that the version of me just two months ago wouldn't believe. The old me (and some of the new me still) would've rolled her eyes at me. I find myself uttering sentences (in Spanish and English) that I would've never used in my previous life. I talk about my soul and spirit frequently. I've meditated more in this last month than I have in my entire life. At the same time, I am more playful and child-like than I ever was- even during my own childhood. I have finally given myself permission to be playful and curious in my life. I think about my energy and my chakras. I breath more deeply. I am thinking about my spiritual health and how I interact with and accept other energy into my own energetic field. I am practicing vulnerability. I have made more deeply connected, loving friendships faster than I ever experienced elsewhere. I am challenging myself to try new things and daring myself to really live what feels true for me (despite what society might expect from me). I am keeping my shaved head, my unshaved body hair, holding eye contact in conversations and loving my body as it reacts to this new life (this includes gaining weight and acne). I have started to view my body as just a vessel for my spiritual being - which switches the focus of how my body looks to what my body allows me to do.
It's possible that I have been a host to parasites since I got to San Cristobal but I have been keeping them at bay by taking herbs every day. Well, last week, I thought that I would be doing my body harm by taking these herbs every day, so I stopped taking them. Big mistake. Either I have been reinfected with parasites or they have come back in full force. I feel weak and tired. My stomach is cramping and my bathroom experience has been horrible. I am now taking some crazy anti-parasite drug and it makes me feel generally weak, stomach cramps, nausea and headaches. Feeling guilty about doing a lot of laying around and bailing on friends. This is a common pattern of mine: kicking myself when I am down. Not just being gentle letting myself relax and heal. I always feel like I should be doing more if I don't have a list of things that I have accomplished on any day. I think there is a part of me that feels like if I am going to not be working, I need to be taking advantage of all the free time I have. And if I am laying around, I am abusing this privilege of me being on this trip. And then I go down a spiral of making myself feel like shit. Yes, I know. This isn't conducive to a speedy healing process.
Who am I? Who do I want to be?
It seems rather fitting that I get around to finishing this entry on New Years Eve. I am constantly saying that I want to grow into the person that I have always wanted to be but I have never really defined what I mean by that. So, I've attempted to define it below. This are more like life resolutions vs New Years Resolutions...
I want to be/I am:
1) A person who meditates every day (or almost every day). Someone who takes spiritual health seriously.
2) Outdoorsy/a steward of the earth. Someone who connects with nature on a deep level. I want to feel the energy of the Earth. I want to live harmoniously with it. I want to reverse our damage to the earth. I want to help clean up our mess and educate people on how to better live their lives in harmony with the earth and with each other.
3) Strong in my vulnerability. I want to let myself be loved and to love deeply. I want to show up for myself in relationships and not get so hurt from critical feedback from my loved ones. Cry openly and accept others' vulnerability. Trust and be trusted. Support and be supported.
4) Someone who truly enjoys the work they are being paid for. I can't stress this enough. I can't spend another moment of my life working a job that doesn't bring me joy. I just can't. Sometimes I wonder if I expect too much from a job (Please don't tell me if I do. Let me learn this myself).
5) Someone who rarely experiences depression and/or anxiety. This is been a major issue for me my entire life.
6) A person who travels frequently and meaningfully.
7) Someone who makes a difference in the world through my relationships and through my work. I want to feel like I am living purposefully on this planet. Otherwise, why the heck am I here?!
8) Someone who can live in the present moment and not spend too much time "future thinking". I think this is linked to gratitude- appreciating the moment and how lucky I am to be alive.
9) Someone who confidently sings alone or in front of others at any time of the day. I am practicing to overcome my stage fright. I would also like to take voice lessons and even start to sing with a band in cafes around the world. I prefer old time jazz (think: Ella or Billie), blues or jazzy versions of pop music.
10) Someone who eats healthy, nourishing food and is a fabulous cook. Eventually, I would like to open a health food restaurant that educates people on how food is also medicine.
11) Someone who lives with love and not out of fear. I want to tackle my fears and live with more curiosity and excitement to try new things and meet new people.
12) A resident of the world. I hope to live and work outside of the United States. I want to speak at least a few languages fluently. People from the United States that did not come from families that speak more than just english understand what I am talking about.
13) Someone who dances freely and can easily express themselves through their body. Biodanza is helping me with this.
14) Someone who doesn't succumb to societal expectations and someone who helps shift social norms to a more progressive place. Someone who helps the world shift its consciousness to caring about people and not about profit.
15) Someone who knows their neighbors and actually has a deeper relationship with them where we help each other out.
16) Someone who loves and is loved for their intellect, kindness, quirky personality, emotional intelligence, spiritual energy and being - not for their outward appearances.
17) Someone who feverishly consumes books.
18) Someone who is connected to the spiritual realm and explores other dimensions.
19) Someone who forgives and lets go of things easily.
20) Someone who does not settle for less than they feel they deserve. Someone who never expects more from others than they themselves are willing to give. Sure of my self-worth and efficient in setting expectations and setting boundaries.
21) A person who is patient and has faith that everything will be alright.